SimplyBe Black Bodycon dress and Kimono wrap jacket loveliness

I feel uber lucky that I was able to choose a couple of items to review from SimplyBe's latest catalogue. The following items are things I think, are perfect for things like a Christmas party, a works do, or just to wear because you know you look foxy.

Ahem, so without anymore delay (drum roll please).....

Item number 1

Black Jersey Bodycon dress size 16 

When I first opened this, I thought, there is no way i am going to get into that and my heart broke just a little bit. But I tried it on and I was happy to get in it! Its definitely a S.I.B.O (stomach in boobs out) dress and suck em ins were definitely required to smooth down any sagging lard.

I felt really good in this dress, I think I would have been more comfy in a size bigger and if I were to wear this out for a meal, then that would be a stupid thing to do. Its TIGHT, but then that's what bodycon dresses are about.

I think if you are lacking in confidence, then this isn't the dress for you. This needs to be worn with attitude and confidence, otherwise you will just look like a sack of poo!

I did try and accessorise with a little thin belt around my waist, but it didn't look right on me. But on the right person I think a red belt as a pop of colour would look foxy.


I found the dress comfortable and it had a nice stretch to it and most of all, I love the length.

I did find the arms were a little tight and if you are a gal with larger arms, this dress could be a problem.

For £25 I think this is a great price for a dress that could take you through lots of parties and events.

It also come in 2 other colours, Aubergine and dark green. I chose black because you can add any colour accessories.





Now this next item I chose because, as a larger girl of the world, when it comes to, erm, bedroom attire, for me its a scabby baggy t-shirt and whatever leggings I've pulled out from the draw. Sexy huh. But for me that's real and I bet it is for you too. If you are one of those ladies that wears gorgeous nighties with fluffy glass slippers, then I salute you.

But there are sometimes, when I wish I did have something a little bit more glamorous, so when I saw this, I thought, yeah baby.

WARNING YOU MAY NEED SUNGLASSES

Before i put the pictures up, part of me wished i faked tanned my legs as they look like corpse legs, but then I thought 'ah bugger it, the sun doesn't see them bits and that's why they are sickeningly blindingly white' You have been warned, if you go blind, that's your fault.

Item 2

Kimono Wrap Jacket size 16/18 

Oh this is so pretty.

This item is 100% polyester, so I would avoid candles if you are trying to be seductive.

It felt silky when I put it on and I didn't have the static attack I was preparing myself for.

It has a long attached belt and a little loop and tie in the middle.

You can be as covered up or as exposed (snigger) as you like with this little number.

What I love about it is, I felt confident in it. I wont ever be the girlfriend who wears all that sexy stuff (sorry Steve, you have to except that, I'm just to lazy) I find it all to much of a faff and its blimmin uncomfortable. But with this bad boy, I actually felt like I was making an effort and I felt, ya know, kinda shexy.

Just look how pretty it is! I felt like a lady!

This was £26. I would definitely recommend this if you aren't body confident in the bedroom.

I'm not trying to fly here, I just wanted to show you the back. Look at the lovely shape of the sleeves!

I asked Steve (my other half) what he thought of the 2 items I chose. I trust Steve's opinion absolutely 100% he is very respectful and honest and this is what he said:

" I'm not very good at stuff like this, erm. I thought the black dress was very sexy and the silky nightie thing would do the job"

Thank you Stephen for those thoughtful, heartfelt words. Tsk.

disclaimer: I was provided these clothes for free in exchange for writing a review, but the free clothes did not depend on my writing a favourable review, all views and opinions are my own (and my boyfriend's)

Tits a pleasure

What is it about boobs?

I'm a 38E and I'm not a fan. Ive had 3 kids, my weight goes up and down like a brides nightie, so now they are big saggy pendulums of boob.

I'm quite open about my boobs.... not in a prozzy way, i don't charge money for people to have a feel, but, again, at the school gates (whats wrong with me??? its always at the school gates!) we (mums) often discuss our jugga-noughts.

There is one lady who has ENORMOUS boobs, I'm talking, massive, i reckon they must be an H cup. In hot weather i really feel for her and clothes must be a nightmare.

As humans do, we all range in different shapes and sizes. I have one friend who wishes she had my boobs and i would happily give them to her. I always have visions of Velcro attachments when i say she can have them and i would give anything to have her smaller pert ones to velcro onto my chest.

I'm a 16 on top and 18 on the bottom. I struggle to find clothes to fit my body shape as every shop is different.

I like to think i have a good knowledge of where I can shop and where I cant. Even tho 90% of my clothes come from charity shops, just from having such a range of different brands from these shops, i know whats good and what isn't.

I cant wear shirts or anything that buttons up at the front, for shirts to fit me around the chest i would have to buy a size 22, so it would fit me great around the bust, but the rest of me would look like a sack of shit.

even zipping up a coat is a strain
and make me look huge

 I definitely have a love hate relationship with my rack. If I'm having a non bloat day, i can usually wear something quite fitted and my boobs would look like something barbie would be proud of.

I have one boob a whole cup size bigger than the other, so one always looks like its trying to escape from its restraint.

One Item of clothes that i hate to DEATH is those tops that has a seem as part of the design around the bust that your boobs are meant to slot nicely into.

look at my boobs, sliced in half

When i put these tops/dresses on, it looks like my tits are deformed as the seem adds a ridge across them, literally slicing them in 2. Its not flattering and it doesn't feel sexy.

I went into sports direct the other day and because i was with my youngest, i knew i was on a clock before he started acting like a little git.

I wanted a supportive sports bra as I'm branching out and I'm gonna try aerobics at my local sports centre. I wanted something that will make me look like i know what I'm doing when i walk in for the first time. I'm usually in a bra, scabby vest top, pants and trainers when I'm doing a workout dvd at home (curtains closed).

It was important for me to look the part. And also because i refuse to pay full price for anything, i looked in the sale rail. I managed to find a support bra and vest top thingy in one. I normally have to wear a normal bra under these as well as the support bra bit tends to be pretty shite. I bought a size 18 as i thought that would definitely be roomy enough to fit over my bust. When i got home and tried it on, i was savage. I had that bloody seem that cuts each boob in half, even with my bra on underneath, looked stupid. I cant go to aerobics in that get up. I could have taken the top back, but as it was a hot day when i tried said article on, i think the top absorbed about 6inchs of sweat, so i kinda have to keep it. grrrrrr

dirty fun bags even ruin
 a nice black dress

So back to square one. It makes me cross that bras are so expensive. I'm a single parent of 3 children. Even tho i have my lovely Steve, he doesn't live with us, so the responsibility of the house, bills, kids etc is mainly down to me. I don't have £30 spare to buy a bloody sports bra, that's like a weeks worth of electric in my house! I cant justify spending that kind of money on something that stops a part of my body moving about.

Steve loves my boobies. He calls them his dirty pillows (gross) He would have them bigger if he had it his way, but i just see them as these awkward body parts.

If i was allowed one medical/cosmetic procedure it would, without a doubt be a reduction and lift. One of my pleasures in life is taking my bra off at the end of the day, oh its heaven, pertaaaang flop ahhhhh.

If someone comes round my house when these bad boys are out their cage, i am so embarrassed and i do that self conscience arm scoop thing to try and trick that person into thinking i have pert boobies, but it just looks like I'm holding a newborn baby.

loose and fancy free, my other boob is under my armpit i think

My mum has a wazzo pair as well, she feels my pain. But she has good boobs and i envy her to death that she can go without a bra and no one can tell. pft

It isn't just the size of them that bothers me, its the other parts of my body it affects. I walk with a slouch, i don't mean to but my boobs are heavy, i naturally slouch, i also get that awful bra strap dig thing in my shoulders and standing up straight hurts my back.

Losing weight is one answer, but its that catch 22 thing. If i lose weight, my boobs will indeed get a little bit smaller, but i will also have smaller boobs with a load of saggy excess skin that would look even worse.

I don't mean to moan, I'm lucky I'm not disabled or disfigured or anything like that. But I'm not happy with my body, i don't think i ever will be. I like my legs. I think that's about it. I wonder if i have that body dis morphia. People tell me I'm pretty all the time, but i think they are just lying. I'm getting better with age. Its my 32nd birthday today, and I am more stable in my head now than I ever was in my twenties, certain things don't bother me like they used to when i was younger, so maybe by the time I'm 40, i will all be sorted and happy with my body?

Or maybe I'm just talking a load of shit

Laters

im just weird okay!!

I'm crap at making plans. I'm what you would call a flake.

I see mums at the school and we do that, 'oh we really must get together, when are you free?' and I'm like 'Im not sure, can i get back to you on that one?'.

I never get back to these people. I'm sure i offend, i don't mean to.

Even tho i really like these people and i feel very humbled that they would want to spend any time with me, the pressure of a planned event, (even just a cup of coffee) one to one with another person makes me panic and then i cancel at the last minute.

Sometimes, there are things i know i have to go through with. Visiting my cousin Donna and family's new pad in Portsmouth was one of them. I love my family, i love it when we get together (as long as they come here), but going on a train, to a place i didn't know, made my throat close over with fear.

So, I booked the train tickets for me, Mum and my daughter Jess a week early so I couldn't back out.

Nearing the time, i was tearful, snappy and just a bit of a Twat. I wasn't going off to war, I wasn't being kicked out my country to live in a igloo, I wasn't at gun point being told i have to sit next to a smelly old man, naked. I was going on a train to visit my cousin, then coming home.

Simple!

ISN'T IT!

On the day itself I was fine. we were catching an early train, so it was just get up and go.

3 Beauts ready for the choo choo

It was a gorgeous sunny day. Classic thing for me and my mum is to be early for everything. Train was due at 9.35am. We are about 15 minutes car drive to the station, so realistically, we didn't need to leave our house until 9.10am. So we left at 8.45am. You know, just in case of something....

Parked up, went into a shop to get a few bits for the journey. Mum and Jess waited outside the shop as I queued for my items.

I'm not sure why, but when you have a time limit, for each section of your day, like I do ( OCD much??!) I had it in my head that I will be in the shop for 5 to 7 minutes. This was the choosing items, lining up to pay, being served, and leaving the shop.
Oh, but the woman in front, oh no, she wasn't on a time limit was she, no, she wanted to tell the shop assistant all about the ins and outs of her arse hole, AND she smelt of piss. I'm patient to a certain point, then I'm not so patient. It starts off with a impatient tap of the foot, then comes the heavy sighs, looking at the person behind to roll my eyes, and at breaking point, I usually say something like 'Excuse me, I'm in a real rush, can you serve me please'. Luckily, I didn't get to the speaking stage, I just did a impatient face, tap of foot, and a big obvious impatient sigh. Pissy pants in front got the hint and moved to one side. Jeez that was lucky, I was nearly at the 7 minute limit.  

Mum and Jess were fine outside, but my heart was pounding, stress was coursing through my veins. I did what my mates used to call 'the chicken walk'. This is where, i stomp on ahead and my hair does this thing where it flicks in and out like a chicken wing. I know my friend reading this will chuckle at this (hate you guys) and vision the walk I was doing.

I'd like to think the people staring at us was thinking 'wow, what amazingly beautiful blonde people' But i know they were questioning 'why is that woman walking like a chicken and why is that other woman dragging a suitcase with a tree in it?'

I should point out at this stage, that the women in our family, are, scavs. We visit each other, but the day isn't complete until we have raided the persons house of things we want to take home to keep for ourselves. Obviously with the persons permission! We aren't thieves! ( well maybe thieves with permission?)

So mum really went for it and took a suitcase to bring all the treasures back home in. We also bought a housewarming present which was an olive tree, and it stuck out of the bright red suitcase, like one of those dogs in a bag.

Poor Jess was doing the walk I used to do at her age, whenever I walked along side Mum. It was like a little jog to keep up, you darent look in a shop window or up at the sky, or that was it, Mum was in the distance and i would panic in case i couldn't catch up and I'd be lost FOREVER!!!! Doesn't stop me doing the fast mum walk now tho, keep up Jess.

We arrived at the train station and found our platform with a good 10 minuets to spare.

The train arrived and the instant fright of possibly falling down the gap and getting run over by the train and being dragged to Portsmouth washes over me as I watch my daughter take the big step onto the train
We were fine by the way, we didn't fall and get dragged, thanks for asking.

We found a table and settled in. it was HOT. When Mum used to have bouts of hot flushes she would buy those Chinese fans, she still uses them now on hot days. So there we were, sat round a table, mum fanning herself like lady of the manor with a bush sticking out her bag (I'm not talking about her vagina. snigger)

Where I was sat, was in eye line with a weird bloke, who i know was staring at my tits, so i had to do that awkward lean so i didn't have to see him or catch his wondering eye.

My mum had her cleavage out (not in a slutty way!) and every bloke that went past had a good ol look at my mums bobbing boobs. This amused me.

Listening to peoples conversations on the train is interesting. It passes the time and it just proves how boring us human beings are.

It got to about an hour into the journey, when Mum asked a very important question 'Why do men have nipples?'

I don't know I'm afraid, but I'm sure the whole train is now wondering that very thing to.

Finally, we arrive at our platform, waiting for us is my cousin's wife Wendy, delighted to see her we have a massive group hug on the platform. Ahhhhh.
We get into Wendy's car and drive to their new house. EXCITING!

My cousin Donna greeted us with big hugs and kisses and smiles, truly fab to see her. We clamber into their house knocking things over, eyeing up possible things to take home, saying hello to my other cousins. Taking in the new house. Its a really nice home, the atmosphere is lovely and welcoming and Donna's glass art is everywhere. She is so damn clever.

I met their blind dog as he nosed me in the vag. That was nice, then he went outside and led in the sun pretty much all day.

We had the grand tour of the house and settled down in the kitchen and had a cuppa and a chat.

Then Donna suggested we take a walk to the sea.

I loved walking past peoples houses, having a nose into their sitting room windows as i go by. Not nose to the window type thing, more of a rubber neck as i stroll by, looking at people, knowing that i will never see them again, just really taking the whole place of where Donna and Wendy live.

I loved seeing that Donna also had the fast walk as I had to go back to my old ways and every now and then do a little jog/bouncy walk.

The photos opposite is us, en mass, going to the seaside :)

I'm not a seaside girl. I think you are either a water person or a land person. I am a land person, I'm more at home walking up to the woods near where i live and sitting in a field taking pictures.

I'm not sure why I don't like the sea, I couldn't think of anything worse than sat on a beach for a day. God id die with boredom. Sometimes I do envy people who are able to sit and relax on a beach, but I get really fidgety and irritable as sand gets up my nose in my eyes and in my teeth? I hate that crunch.

But, I did enjoy the stroll we took, and collected sea glass and shells. Wendy kept on finding dead crabs and half eaten birds and stuff, that was nice.



We then made our way up to a little ice cream place.

I had this handmade honeycomb sexy gorgeous ice cream. Oh lordy, I'm salivating now just thinking about it.
I go into a zone when I'm really enjoying eating something. There could have been a fatal car crash, bombs exploding, people being stabbed, anything, and i still wouldn't notice if I'm in that zone.

Anyway, we then made our way back to Donna's for lunch.

I had packed my own lunch as i was trying to be all healthy, but that went tits up when Donna busted out the french bread and real butter. Damn, i literally slice butter like cheese when I have it.

One of the things I love about us family getting together is seeing similarities with certain things.

One of those things is this... If I have a packet of crisps/chocolate/biscuits, I would rather buy you an entire packet of crisps/chocolate/biscuits, than for you to reach into MY packet and take one. In fact, I would buy you the factory where they make these foods as long as it meant you didn't try and take 1 of my crisps. I get really stroppy and childish, so i was delighted to see this unfold between Donna and her son. Donna reached into her sons crisps packet...

Lunch was had and then the scavenging begins. Me mum and Jess go into Donna's workroom and look in every draw, every nook and cranny, this is what you would have heard... 'Oooooh can i have this?' 'Oooooh whats that? do you want that? can i have it?'

Mums suitcase was literally bursting with treasures. Glass projects that Donna had done but didn't want anymore, voile's, bits n bobs. We were giddy with joy!

We sat back down in the kitchen, drinking tea, laughing, taking the piss out of each other.

Then it came over me

I want to go home.

Train was due at 3.30. It was about 2.30ish at this point. It over came me with such force, we were in the middle of giggling for God sake. I do this every time. My mates know me well enough not to take offence, I manage about an hour around someones house before i have to go home. Maybe 2-3 hours around my besties before I announce I'm going home.

But Donna and Wendy don't really know this bit about me. So as we were giggling, I announce 'I want to go home'.

I knew it didn't go down well as it went a bit silent. But I just had to leave. I asked Wendy to take us to the train station early, even though it would involve me, Mum and Jess standing about on the platform for 30 minutes to wait for the train, but i had to leave or i was gonna have a panic attack if i was made to stay.

We said our goodbyes and Wendy took us to the train station where we did indeed wait for about 30 minutes for our train. Mum didn't even question it, I think years ago she was the same. When you get that urge to go home, waiting on a platform for 30 minutes is a step closer to home than waiting 30 minutes at your cousins house!

I know i offended, I didn't mean to, I don't know why I get this urgency to go home. I cant stay over at peoples houses, id rather be sober all night at a party and drive home than stay over in someones house.

I find going on holiday tricky, I can do 3 days MAX, then i have to go home. Steve and I have big plans for when we are old and crusty, we want to travel the world. Even when we get married one day, Steve suggested we go on a weeks honeymoon.... erm, cant we just do a weekend or something?

If anyone else has this urgency to go home, could you please explain to me what this is about?

Anyway, we got on the hottest train EVER, to go home. but i didn't care, we were going home and a warm glow burned in my tummy knowing that we were nearly there.

I hope my kids don't have this in them. I hope they take the time to sit back and chill, take the day as it is and not always be in a rush to do the next thing.

I think i need to do some research into how to just slow down. I'm manic, I tried sitting in my garden yesterday, i lasted 10 minutes and went inside to wash up.

This is a real head scratcher for me as I feel its out of my control as I don't know what its all about. I have things coming up that involves me staying over at peoples houses, or going for a bbq or a meal. How do I just sit??!!!

Someone tell me!!!!!

Laters x

Aunt Flow's Visiting

That time of the month, on the blob, the curse, on the rag, cat's had its throat cut (eww), BJ week (yeah right), fell off her bike, riding the crimson wave, the wounded clam.

Ahhh, isn't that lovely, a nice little list of slang for women's periods (the wounded clam is my favourite).

I will apologise now. I am indeed going to write a blog on PMS. This isn't me in the process of burning my bra or anything like that, its something i have and inflict on others before, erm, Aunt Flow arrives.

I get terrible PMS. It doesn't matter how great I'm feeling, how amazing my life is, PMS will come along and put a big black cloud over my head.

I don't just get a big violin playing thunderous black cloud over my head, i become constipated, my boobs look like they have been pumped up a few sizes, along with going up 2 sizes in my clothes, which hurts, I'm tired, I cry, i have a fuzzy head, forgetful, irritable, i get thrush, i have no patience, I don't want anyone to touch me, look at me, breathe near me. I get incredibly angry and i shout. ALOT.

I do try and warn people (especially Steve) around me that I'm due on. I don't walk around with a plaque, shouting through a mega phone (my gob is loud enough) announcing to the world, but when i start snipping, i do 9 times out of 10 say sorry then explain what it is. But i have a due on face that gives the game away as well. Its like a screwed up frowny heavy browed face, with lips that look like a cats bum.

Its not until it all subsides that i look back and think, hmmm, maybe that was a bit over the top.

My mum came round the other day, i was using lurpack lightest on some toast, my mum, in no horrible way or anything, just in a general chatting way said 'i don't like lurpack'.

Well,

She might as well have punched me in the kidneys, stamped on my face and called me a twat.

My angry response...

'What??? Why are you so JUDGEMENTALLLLLLLLL!!!! When did you even last try this butter?!'

Classic. Sorry Ma x

Having 3 children, also plays havoc with the ol angry dawn. For some reason, the name 'Mum' seems to triple and gets louder as my patience dwindles. I feel awful after i have shouted 'WHAT!!!!!!!' everytime they ask me a question. Its not fair, its not their fault and I hate that i make the people i love nervous of me. i don't have that right to make anyone feel that way. But its like a hot ball inside my stomach that's ready to explode. I just cant contain it after the 36th 'Mum' in the space of 5mins!

Luckily for me, Steve is very understanding and basically, doesn't say anything and kinda keeps his distance. Its safer to, or he might actually get stabbed.

My main issue with PMS is my desire to eat. Hmmm, maybe the word 'eat' is a tad to gentle for what i actually do. Gorge maybe? Gorge with added gorgeiness and fat laden sprinkles on top and lard sauce.

Last week was my PMS week. So what I'm trying to say is, last week, my diet was quietly wrapped and packed away on a shelf somewhere in a corner of my brain, for me to return to, a week or so later (which is today).

I ate, and i ate, and i ate. You know the girl in Charlie and the chocolate factory, she turns into a blueberry? That's how i felt yesterday after a week of relentless, sometimes secretive, out of control bingeing. The Umpa Lumpa's stood around represent awful the thoughts in my head. Tho, they would need to be poking me and upsetting me calling me fat and disgusting and tell me i have let myself down and indeed, THE WORLD. When i binge to this extreme, and the sluggishness of my bowel, makes me one poo filled lady. In my darker days, i abused laxatives, so i am weary of taking them now, in case i start relying on them again. But when its been 3 to 4 days of no movement and you have eaten a wheelie bin of food, man, that's alot of stuck shit.

I have done a bit of the ol' research into what helps with PMS and how to prevent it affecting your life to the extremes it can. I know it varies in women across the world. Some experience hardly any symptoms and it goes to the other extreme where women feel suicidal and have to work there lives around that 1-2 week awful time in the month.

I've tried to narrow down into a small list, what the main problems are, and how i can tackle them with the use of supplements.

1.
Cravings: Its the sweet stuff. Oh my, if i was a heroin addict, chocolate is my heroin. It gives me butterflies with excitement that i have this planned binge and chocolate and cakes are the main part of my binge.

Apparently, women's level of magnesium drops in their body. Chocolate has a high level of magnesium and that's why we tend to crave chocolate.

So i got me some of those magnesium and zinc supplements. So far, as its only been a week, Ive not noticed any drastic changes, though the taste of chocolate leaves a unpleasant metallic after taste?? Not sure if its connected, but if i can be put off chocolate, I'm a winner!

2.
Tiredness: Urgh, I could sleep standing up when I'm due on. No matter how much sleep i get, I'm still exhausted. I know that exercise is really good for well being and energy levels etc etc, but when i feel this tired and this awful id rather pluck my pubic hair out strand by strand than do any exercise.

My mum suggested a vitamin B complex. I have heard great thing about Vitamin B and i have dabbled in taking them in the past, but now I'm on it like a tramp on chips. I am dedicated to these bad boys. I have got a time released type of one. I am feeling a bit more energetic, but again, its only been a week, and it could be that Ive nearly finished my period. Curiously, my wee looks like lucozade, no matter how much water i drink....

3.
Skin and hair: I have the same spots come up on my face when I'm due on. They aren't even spots, they are these painful, tender, hills on my face, that everytime, I'm convinced that if i squeeze them, something will come out and they go away. Instead all that happens is this clear, liquid type stuff seeps out and leaves me with a massive scabby face. Me and my mate were discussing this and came to the conclusion that my spots want me to stop squeezing them so they let out a little bit of tear...

My hair, which is normally a mass of big wavy blondness, becomes greasy at the roots and the ends become dry? Why?? WHY? How do those shampoo's know that my roots are greasy and the ends are dry and they can both cleanse and moisturise? Its all a load of bollocks anyway, those shampoos don't work!
I invested in some vitamin E capsules. I'm looking forward to my next PMS session, well, maybe not looking forward, but it will be interesting to see if these supplements actually help.

I bloody hope so (ha!see what i did there)

If you have any tips or stories about PMS, drop me a line, id be genuinely interested to hear about them.

Laters x