A strange thing happened to me a couple of months ago...
I was walking past a shop that my friend works in, I never go into this shop, I always walk past and just wave through the window if my mate sees me, but randomly, I wanted to go in.
My friend was talking to a lady, I said hello to my friend then looked at the lady she was talking to.
To my total shock and amazement, the lady was my natural dads wife.
I had been trying to get in touch with my dad for a little while but came to a dead end. Last I heard he was in Oz and I kind of sadly accepted that, I wouldn't see him again and that we would never make amends and move on from things that happened when I was a kid (remember one of my last posts, I told you about my nutty dad who went to prison etc).
My Dads wife, just kinda stared at me and I stared at her. Not in a nasty, Western film way where we are gonna draw our guns, just a astonished 'What the fuck?' kinda way.
Turn outs, T (that's what I'm going to call dads wife on here) was never normally in that shop and was just in there for 10mins to do some stuff.
Its weird how the universe works, and after a lot of crying and hugging and a few babbled questions on my behalf, I learnt that my dad was indeed in Salisbury (where I live) and T would message him to get in touch.
For the first time in a long time, I wasn't scared of my Dad. For years I had been looking over my shoulder because, when I was a kid, the ill man who did weird stuff, was blimmin freaky, and the fear stayed with me until recently.
A day later, I received a text from my dad.
I was delighted to get a text rather than a phone call. I hate talking on the phone, its the silence I cant deal with and I land up making funny squeaky noises to fill the gap.
The text went something like this:
'Hey its Dad, so lovely to hear from you, can we meet up?'
So we arranged to meet up for a coffee in town.
On the day, I was really nervous, excited, scared. I was worried he was going to judge me like he did last time. (10 years ago, my son was 2 and my dad came to visit me for the first time in a long time, the first thing he said to me after not seeing each other for years was 'Wow, haven't you got fat, are you going to diet?)
But, what actually happened, was I made sure I was in the cafe first so I could clock him as he walked in before he clocked me. I wanted the quick advantage of seeing what he looked like first.
My god, he is a right crusty old bloke!
Gone are the days of the muscly, beautiful specimen of a man, who had very neat hair.
In walked this slow walking, longish haired, thin hippy.
He still had perfect teeth, but I cant remember him having a big nose and big blue eyes?
He saw me and I walked over to him and we gave each other the biggest hug. I missed them hugs, I missed his smell, I missed his voice, and I missed his loud laugh. I was instantly whole again.
We sat down, cried a bit, held hands, looked at each other a bit. He told me how utterly beautiful I was, we talked briefly about the last time we saw each other and the horrible words we had exchanged.
I told him, that we had lots to talk about, things he has done that need explaining, but I didn't want to talk about them yet.
Though, of course we did talk about some things that had happened.
He gave me an explanation as best he could about, the treatment he gave me as a child...
If you don't know or cant remember what I wrote a few posts back or even if I wrote about it (??) I will briefly remind you...
When I was about 12, my dad started to explore the world of spiritualism, reike, Buddhism, massage, Crystal healing etc. This was happening whilst he was having a mental breakdown. He would perform 'operations' on me, using his hands and talking to the spirits as the guided him. One operation was to give me a golden bone so I never had back trouble... I have to point out, he didn't actually cut me open and pull out a backbone, this was all purely him hallucinating, but truly believing he was doing work, helped by the spirits. When I was led down terrified, I remember being amused that he asked a spirit to pass him a scalpel...
Another operation, was to cure me of chocolate... well that definitely didn't work.
At his lowest, most insane point, me and mum were at home and we received a phone call from our local pub that, my dad was down there praying over a glass of water. Me and mum were terrified and we knew he was coming for me.
I'm not sure why I was off school that day, but as time passed, me and mum stayed upstairs in the bedroom, scared out of our bloody minds. From my brothers bedroom window, we watched my dad hide behind a large bush, waiting for me to get off the school bus. When he realised I wasn't on the bus, he walked down towards our house. By this time, adrenaline had kicked into my mum and she was went out to confront him. But he had disappeared.
I could see her walking up and down the path looking for him. A friend of the family was on his way down to help us, so when there was a knock on the door, I assumed it was him. So I went downstairs, to open the door. But it wasn't, It was my Dad. I shit my pants, screamed and slammed the door.
The thing I remember mostly was his eyes. They were like black saucers, he was very pale and just looked like a bloody scary psycho.
I ran upstairs, and I could hear mum and our family friend, talking to him, asking him to leave. My mum was being very kind considering the situation and saying to my dad 'Brian, you are ill, you need to get help' I remember feeling grateful my mum wasn't screaming and shouting at him. She could see he wasn't a well man and was trying to get him away but also make him realise, this wasn't normal behaviour.
He kept saying, that he wanted to see me, that he was to take me away with him. He wasn't going to leave until he had spoken to me. He was saying this in a very calm, robotic voice. I knew he wasn't going to go so in the end I opened up the bedroom window and shouted at him to piss off.
Dad shrugged his shoulders and left. Just like that.
Anyway, there is a point to me telling you this...
I asked him why did he do all these things, the best way he could answer me was this:
He had always disliked himself, felt paranoid, body issues, unwell, and sad, always. When he started to explore spiritualism etc, it made him feel better, made him feel excepted. In his mad world, he wanted me to feel better about the world and as good as he was feeling, so he was trying to make me happy. But he also admitted that alot of the things he regrets as he was ill and actually he didn't know what he was doing at all.
It made me feel okay. He wasn't doing it all to freak me out and scare me. In his deluded mind, he was still trying to be a father, who wanted to make his little girl not feel pain and upset. Its just a shame actually that it went so horribly wrong.
So even though I can forgive his behaviour, it doesn't stop the fact, that his choices in life have had a huge affect on me. Even as an adult, my eating, my body issues, my lack of trust in people, my paranoia.
He isn't into all them things anymore. Which I'm really pleased about. He told me he is done with all of that and now just leads a very simple life. I do admire the life he leads now, its a life Ive always aspired to. Its very holistic, natural, and mindful.
Ive met up with my dad a few times now, and I love it. I love asking his opinion on stuff as he gives a different point of view about it all. And he isn't talking bollocks either. Before I would have had to take what he said with a pinch of salt, but now what he says makes sense and I find myself engrossed in his explanations and totally getting it.
There are some areas which I frown internally about. But now Ive realised that, if my dad believes in something, who am I to judge? Just because something is very real to him doesn't mean it has to be real to me, but its nothing to be scared of. I guess Ive just accepted him as what he is today, rather than try and get the dad back, I had in my rose tinted glasses, when I was little before he went nutty.
When I met him the other day, I opened up about my body issues and self esteem. He said some really comforting things and gave me some excellent advice. and Ive thought about them and I feel okay about his thoughts about body issues.
Ive always thought I was like my mum, but the more I get to know my dad, adult to adult, actually I am very much like my dad to. Which is okay, it filling in the missing confused pieces I have in my brain and my heart.
We are still in the early days, and though Roy my step dad has always been there like a dad and always will be, its really nice to call my real father Dad. Ive missed calling someone that x
