I was completely lost to my self bullying, low self esteem and zero confidence. I stopped wearing make up, Ive lived in a hoody, tracky bottoms and wellies. I got out of bed because of my children. If it wasn't for them i would have stayed in bed, in the dark watching crappy movies feeling really sorry for myself.
Somehow, I don't know how, but something made me go to the doctor and get some help. I blurted everything out to her and she was amazing. I know not everyone thinks anti depressants are the answer, but for me they are. I was on them anyway, but my doctor has upped the dosage and I feel like a new person.
Last year I was ready to try my life without anti depressants. I lowered the dose, as the doctor advised, and before I knew it, I was back to crying, not wanting to live and I couldn't function.
My depression isn't about past situations or the bad things I have experienced in my life. I have low levels of serotonin in my brain. Ive gone down the natural route before, exercise, healthy eating, but it wasn't enough. Its just one of those things and I will be on the happy pills for the rest of my life. Which I'm totally cool with.
I've also discovered something that is absolutely changing my life. I'm following the 12 steps of recovery for Over eaters.
Its amazing to know I'm not alone and everything in this book is every thought I have had and how to change it.
Ive not binged for a week now. It doesn't sound much to you folk, but for me, its a miracle.
I'm trying to make each meal a celebration. I don't sit in front of the telly anymore and I make sure each meal is to nourish my body. Its easier to eat healthy foods that are good for me as there is no bad feeling or mental fights as im eating it, like there was when im feeling down and eating crap.
I bloody hate cooking normally, but I have found some recipes on line and I have really enjoyed following the exact instructions and creating a really healthy meal. The bit i don't like though, is the god damn washing up after.
Normally, Steve would come over to mine after a hard day at work and id sit on me arse as he cooked a meal, otherwise his dinner would be cereal.
This is all new to me, this making meals lark. Its almost like I'm telling myself I deserve a proper meal. I am not full up with crackers and cereal and that's why i always have about 3 bowlfuls and about 15 crackers with butter. Also, understanding that stuffing my face with crappy food in a fit of despair would never fill me up anyway, as its an emotional void I'm trying to fill. If I don't try and work out what that emotional problem is, I will never be full, emotionally or in my tummy.
I am loving this new love feeling coursing through my veins, not just love for my family and friends but love for me.
Ive started wearing makeup again, I even wore a brightly coloured dress to a family meal the other day. Little steps that make me have some self worth and its working.
If you are sat at home or work, feeling the guilt of over indulgence or feeling depressed and shitty. Get some help. It doesn't just fall in your lap, you have to get off your arse and find it and there are millions of people out there to help you. On line forums, groups on facebook, doctors, books.
The main thing that has helped me is forgiving myself. Letting go of all the self sabotage and moving on. To stop living in the past, having arguments with people in my head (usually in the shower).
If I do have negative thoughts, I'm to remember they are just thoughts, they aren't real, they aren't facts, they are something that I am creating so I also have the power to tell it to fuck off. And i do that to, if a dark thought starts to creep in, i literally tell it to fuck off and not come back and in my mind the black thought cloud then explodes into a puff of glitter. That's it thought fack off outta town. you ain't welcome here.
xxxxxx
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