Dog Porn

This is Lexie.

She is a Staffie (gasps of horror as the child face eating beast stares at you) Staffies are BEAUTIFUL and Lexie is very tolerant of our zoo like sounding atmosphere of a house and is very cuddly and sweet and I could just eat her up. On Monday she was 'done'. No baby Lexies in this house, but look at that face, she is feeling proper sorry for herself, and I felt really sad for her as she was in pain, so for 2 nights I have slept downstairs with her.


The reason I am telling you this is because, I used to hate dogs. Really really hate dogs, I was scared of them, thought they were disgusting and when my bestie got a jug, I was quite frankly, very disappointed in her.

I got used to Toby, the Jug. With his funny fat body and squished up face. I tell Lisa (my bestie) that Toby looks like a walrus and that when he walks he reminds me of those really obese people, who haven't left the house for years and finally make it outside and walk down the street. He literally rolls from side to side.

Because of this little freak, It softened my cold heart of stone, and then I met Lexie and in a slow motion blurry visioned run towards each other, we fell in love. (vomit)

Toby and Lexie are best friends with benefits and at any given chance, if Lexie stands still, just for a second, Toby is on her and humping her like no tomorrow, even when Lisa bats that dog off Lexie he still carries on humping the air. He has tried shagging Lexie in the ear and also her nose. In turn if Toby is sat down minding his own business, Lexie is in there licking his, erm, lipstick. My friend Abby had the unfortunate position of being sat next to them the other day and witnessed a full live dog sex show. Welcome to my house!

I just have to make it clear, me and Lisa don't just stand by and let it happen, we aren't SICK, this isn't animal farm people!

Enough of that now....

So I received my beauty pageant sash!! I am representing Wiltshire in a pageant called Miss British Beauty Curve 2014. I am a finalist! http://www.misscocoacouture.com/ check me out.

I have interviews to do and I also have to write a review on a beautiful dress for SimplyBe in the next couple of weeks and that's one of the dresses I will be wearing on the day. I also get to write a review again about the dress and about the pageant.

I also have a lovely dress to review next week for Yours clothing. EEEEK!!!

Now my plan was to get back down to a size 16. Its do-able man, it isssssssss. Its my settled size if that makes sense? I feel good at a size 16 and I can maintain it. Its taken me ages to get into a nice little health routine, but I've finally got it. And its all thanks to this fella Dale Pinnock http://dalepinnock.com/

I first heard him talking on Radio 2, he is a medicinal chef, and so I bought a couple of his books. I love his recipes, most of them have about 5 ingredients, which is great as im not a fan of cooking and the other thing I love is that each dish is for aimed at specific areas of your body, so for example, when I eat a certain soup, its doing good stuff for my skin and it tastes reaaaaallllly nice.

I based my food shopping around alot of his recipes, so I ordered things like coconut oil. Sadly, when my food was delivered, whatever numpty it was that packed my shopping thought that Truffle olive oil was a good substitute for coconut oil. I mean seriously. Id rather of either had no susbstitue oil or just give me a coconut. Truffle oil is used for drizzling over salads! I cant even cook with the bloody stuff!

Anyway.... I attempted some of recipes.

Ahem, so I took a couple of pictures of my 'makes' from his book and also off his website. Now please understand, that I am a normal person and how I dish things up or bag things up is what normal people do. I don't have it placed on beautiful plates next to pretty flowers etc. I use Poundland food bags and secondhand plates. So the presentation is pretty pants, its still bloody tasty :)

First up is the Magic Mushroom Soup and also Proper Pepper Soup... I know they look like bags of something from a hospital don't they.... This mushroom soup is good for bone health, colds and flu and high cholesterol. The Pepper soup is good for skin health.

There originally was 4 bags of each, but mum had some and I had some. I highly recommend these soups. They are so guuurt yum. I had them with homemade bread rolls, that make me fart lots.

I don't normally like red pepper, but this has sweet potato with it as well and after you wooz it with a woozer hand blender thingy, the texture is really luxurious and is delicious.



Here is the next thing I made. Its called Great Balls Of Fire. This is the picture in the book....

 and this is what I created....

Stop laughing!!!!!!!!

These are so nice, they have dates and nuts and cocoa powder and chilli in them.

They are good for skin health, heart health and constipation.

It is also supposed to have goji berries in them but, again, the food shopping arrived and i was substituted with dried cherries, which I didn't mind as they taste goooooood.

I also didn't have chilli powder, I only had chilli flakes, so every now and then you get a really cough inducing chilli explosion in one and not much in another! I also don't have have a food processor, so I spent and age unclogging my hand blender.

I'm so cool.

For my lunch today I branched out and got me some tuna steaks. Never tried them before, but I saw this on Dales website and it looked yum. He served it with sweet potato wedges and salsa, but i plonked mine on top of some salad. This is the picture on the website and its called Honey Soy Tuna Steaks and is good for skin and heart and circulatory system...

and this is mine....

I have discovered, i don't like Tuna Steaks. Give me a tin of it slathered in mayo any day. BUT I would do this again with a salmon steak.

I have been following Dales recipes for a week and I feel great and I have lots of energy and its also lovely that its not a bloody diet. I have made more of his creations as I have a really sweet tooth, so that Apple Jacks (healthy flapjacks) have been a god send, though I'm not sure you are meant to eat 4 in one go...

I hope you have a look at his site and maybe buy a book or 2 of his (play.com was where I got mine).

If you decide to have a go at any of Dales recipes, let me know how you got on and what you think!

Oh before I go, the best god damn thing I've made has been the Beetroot, Caramelised Onions and goats cheese tart. Easy peasy and it made me clog up my laptop keys as I'm a mucky cow that eats and browses the net at the same time.

Laters!