Do you ever...

Do you ever, go through old photos of yourself and want to climb in the picture and slap your face a bit and give yourself a bloody good bollocking? I do!

Just going through some pictures earlier, i got really cross with myself as i can remember how i was feeling as each picture was taken. What a bloody waste of time and energy! Some of the pictures are of me as a kid and i wanted to reach in and give myself a big cuddle.

On the plus side, its reminded me of what i look like at my ideal weight, and is a good motivator!

Ive put the pictures on here, mainly for selfish reasons, so i can look at them when I'm lacking motivation, but also to show you how a poorly depressed head can make you see something different.....

This is me, my mum and my brother. I hated the seaside. Its was Brian who took the pic (i expect in his speedos. bleugh) Look at how gorgeous my mum is, but she didn't feel it.

This is me and my best mate. She is still my best mate and i love her deeply. This is the very kitchen where i stole crisps from. I was (and still am) always the joker. You have no idea how deeply unhappy i was at this age

I felt very ugly at this age and very fat, i was about 11 here. i cried alot and had scary thoughts

My lovely beautiful mum :)

Me and my lovely step dad ( i call him Pops) xxxx

Now, this is a picture where i want to reach in and wallop my very face. I remember very clearly, when this picture was taken, i thought i was the fattest pig ever to have walked the earth, i felt i was a huge let down and how could anyone want to be seen with such a lard arse. Even when i saw this picture, i thought that my tummy was massive. Pft.

This beautiful picture of me and my best mate was taken at a adult weekend in Butlins. I look amazing, believe it or not, I was probably at the peak of my breakdown. I drank alot that weekend, OCD went into overdrive, I was having panic attacks, paranoia, and i thought i was HUGE. i ate the world and then would do excessive exercise. What a crappy place in my head.

I was really ill at this stage, the kids were the only thing that kept me alive. I was incredibly stressed as i was going through a horrible divorce from my horribly violent ex husband. I was in constant fear and of course fat and ugly. SLAP SLAP ( me slapping my face)

I was in a better place here, this is a good motivating picture for me. I remember on the journey to meet my little nephew (who I'm holding) I asked my mum if i was looking really fat.

Now i love this picture, my other half doesn't as he thinks he looks like a tramp. This was the night i met my lovely fella, I'm happy and enjoying myself and my life started changing for the better :)

I aim to have the body of the girl in the white top holding her nephew. I'm excited actually, its going to take a while, but I'm in no rush (that's a lie, i actually want it right now) I know if i do this properly, i can do it. if i start pissing about with 10 other different diets or going back to that horrible place in my head, i will never get there. but I ain't gonna do that am I! This blog is liberating, its like i have been a tightly wound coil and suddenly I'm letting it allll go, untangling myself, like having a really lovely stretch.

Super xx