Low self esteem is all fart and no poo

This blog will be my longest and may shock a few of you that know me and may cause you to do that awkward 'how do i talk to Dawn now' kinda thing.

I figured, I need to get it out there, so others reading this going through a similar experience can at least acknowledge that they aren't alone and maybe (hopefully) they can take the steps that are needed and know that they deserve a better life.

I've been thinking about this alot over the past couple of days and it has made me want to eat. Not nibble like a lady, but literally face plant a cake.

When i was a girl, not sure of the exact age but i think it was around 4/5, my mum made friends with a couple of women. They also had kids, so it was a regular thing that mum went round to her mates house for a coffee whilst the kids went off and played.

We were often sent upstairs to play. I remember the stairs were so so dark and i hated it in that house.

I hated it in that house because the older brother was often there. This older brother was a pervert and sexually abused me, my friend and his sister and alot of other kids he would babysit for.

He would either make us line up outside his bedroom or he would shove 2 or 3 of us in a cupboard under his bed and chose his favourite. I'm very claustrophobic as an adult because of this and its also why i still have panic attacks at the dentists because i feel so claustrophobic when they are in my face.

I cant remember how long the abuse went on for. I (thankfully) only have a few flash back memories. 1 of them is when he tried to rape me, but obviously i was so small he couldn't manage it. I remember the pain and after he realised that that wasn't possible i was allowed to chose as to what he could do to me.

I remember his sister having 1 of those old school sweet shop things. It had real sweets in it which i thought was amazing as i wasn't allowed such thing at home!

After a while, my little girl body was starting to give off a terrible smell because of all the interference. Mum would wash me all the time, i cried alot, to scared to speak of anything because i was told that if i said anything to anyone, my family would die and my mum would get punched in the face.

I'm not sure how it came about, but i remember mum drying my hair after a bath and she asked me lots of questions. Things like, has anyone touched you. General probing to get me to talk to her.

So i told her.

The next memory is me in a police safe house type thing being interviewed. I remember that the tape recorder wasn't working and i remember being really embarrassed because i had to say the word 'willy'.

I also remember me having to see a doctor for an examination. He was a really nice doctor but i remember screaming and crying as he did the examination.

I had a lot of counselling, which helped at the time. The abuser was taken to court, but he was let off and was able to walk free.

I learnt as an adult he has children of his own now. I called social services for them to check on the children, but I've never found out the outcome.

Out of this horrific part of my life, the only thing that has ever made me truly sad, is the effect it had on my mum.

me and mum not long after i had told her

She cannot get over the guilt of the fact she was downstairs having a chat with her mates, whilst upstairs her daughter was being abused. AND to add insult, the pervert was let off.

Ive never blamed mum or anything like that, and i still to this day still think it was just an awful thing that happened. But i dont dwell on it.

Because of what happened, my mum became very over protective, which as an adult with my own children, i totally get. But as a girl who was trying to grow up and trying to go to parties, this caused           a MASSIVE problem! I was a complete pain in the ass. I drank alot, i snuck out the house, i ran away, i slept around. I had absolutely no self worth.

me and mum when i was a bit older with my bear called Jess

My poor mum!

In my head, i was disgusting and often thought about suicide. I always compared myself to my gorgeous friends. I was always the girl stood to one side looking bored as her mates were snogging their boyfriends.

It made me feel awful that i wasn't special enough to be snogged like that and for a boy to squeeze my boobs! Oh the pain in my heart because my boobs weren't being pawed at!

I had 1 friend in particular, who i was so jealous of that it caused me huge issues right into my early twenties. She was the one with a gorgeous body, always had a fella, was funny, smelt nice, looked nice, all them lovely things. But instead of being proud to have one of my best mates like that. it killed me inside. I desperately wanted to be like her.

Don't get me wrong, i wasn't horrible to her or anything. To this day she doesn't know about it (though she might now) it was all private thoughts in my head that caused me real damage.

As i grew older, the men i went for were all the same. Twats basically. I had a warped idea of how a man should be and how i should be treated. Because i felt like shit inside, i went out with guys who treated me like shit.

One night i was out drinking and dancing, there was this guy who danced next to me. i recognised him from school. His name was Mike.

We started chatting and all that jazz and i met up with him the next day. He was shy and wouldn't look me in the eye when he talked to me, but he was making a really big effort to chat to me. i liked him.

From that day we rarely spent a day apart.

Anyone who knows me will tell you that, I'm not the kinda girl you can boss around, tell me what to do, who i can see, who i cant see.

So how I let that maggot, slowly and gradually take over my life completely, down to the very point where i had to ask his permission to buy a magazine, and ask him what I'm allowed to wear, i will never know.

He would lie to me about my friends, making out that they said something bad about me, like i was fat, making me paranoid and eat. He was a feeder, he would forever buy me sweets, takeaways. as long as i was fat, no one would want me.

He was always aggressive, often violent towards me. One time i was being silly and making it look like i had no boobs. I thought it was hilarious, he didn't. So he punched me. hard in the chest.

I was often shoved into things, the amount of holes in walls and doors was ridiculous.

I was scared of him, my friends and family were nervous of him. We couldn't go to any sort of social event because he would get drunk and become violent or cause a drama

He would do sexual things to me in my sleep. I would often wake up to a sticky back. BLEUGH!!!

So what did i do? I married him of course!

On my wedding day, my mum begged me not to marry him. So like the grown up non stubborn person that i was, i didn't take her advice and of course still married him!

I hated my wedding day. Mike cried like a big blubby child all day. I didn't. i managed to squeeze a tear for my 1st dance, mainly because i knew i should be emotional and happy and all that and i didn't want anyone to question anything. I felt like i was all dressed up for someone else's party the whole time. i was also pregnant with my 1st child. and for some reason i thought i would be all individual and wear a red wedding dress that my aunt made, it was a lovely dress, but not for a wedding. So not only did i hate my wedding day, i looked like a big fat tomato.

So i had my 1st child. Max. Mike wanted to call him Maximus, but i told him we couldn't call him that because in the film 'life of Brian' there was a character called Maximus biggus dickus. snigger.

Also we named my 1st child Max without actually remembering that my brother called my mental father 'mad max'. sigh.

I had awful post natal depression, i didn't bond with max at all. I also didn't leave the house for 4 months through fear of someone snatching max. Mike was about as supportive as a violent tosser. Oh wait...
His attitude was to shout at me to just 'cheer the fuck up, will you!'

So I ate and ate and ate and he fed me as well.

And i became MASSIVE.

As time went on, Mike was still violent and mentally screwing with my head the whole time. Max went to pre-school and it was picked up that there was something not quite right with Max. we now know that Max has autism, but at the time Mike wouldn't allow anyone to help him because apparently there was nothing wrong with his boy!

It wasn't until i saw some photos of me at Christmas that i saw just how huge i was i was a size 22. 16 and a half stone. eek.

My health was also suffering. I had developed a food allergy that led to an anaphylactic shock which meant i was in hospital. I had to get my mum 8 miles away to take me to hospital because mike refused.

So i dieted, and exercised obsessively. Mike hated it, he would tut and huff trying to interrupt me as i did my exercise dvds.

Then he was diagnosed with skin cancer. it was cut out and for some reason we thought it would be a great thing to have another child!

So along came my beautiful Jessica.

I hated it when Mike touched me. He made my skin crawl, i would actually heave sometimes as he forced himself on me. He would drive round to get the kids asleep and try and have sex with me in a deserted carpark,with the kids in the car!

If you are in a relationship and your partner makes your skin crawl. WAKE UP! there is a problem!

When Jess was 5 months old, i was allowed out for a girly night with my mates. I had lost alot of weight and was looking great. I also met a man.

He was very charming, and worked on the market. All gob and charm and just what i needed.

He asked me to visit him on the market the next Tuesday, so me and my neighbour got on the bus with our kids and went into town.

He was very complimentary and he made me feel good. I said my goodbyes and left. I asked my mate to go and get his number for me, and that there is when i knew my marriage was over.

I had to plan my escape. So over the week or so, i would steal money from mikes wallet as i wasn't allowed my own money. and i put it in a secret sleeve part in a book my mum gave me.

I also went to the police station and told them that i was leaving my husband and i was gonna get hurt because of how violent he was.

So they put a flag up next to my name and i gave them the date i was going to tell him, and they had it set up so that the police would arrive in minuets.

I told him, and i got hurt.

Police were called and got him out the house.

From then on for the next 6 months, i went through hell, he broke in, tried to strangle me, he stalked me, hid up on the neighbours roof to spy on me. tried to ram me off the road, with kids in the car.

To make things worse, the guy i was seeing from the market, was also separated from his wife. So who did mike hook up with? You got it, my boyfriends wife. Gross.

I was mortified that it was all turning into some kind of chavvy jeremy kyle kinda story.

Mike and his new girlfriend were a joint force. they even attacked me in mothercare! I know its childish, but it helps sometimes, but i like to call her 'the beast' or 'the unit'. She is as tall as she is wide and towers over Mike.

Me and my market boyfriend moved into together and it was a frikkin train crash. He was of course my 'out' of my marriage.

So we split up and Mike and the unit got married and had some kids. I don't allow my kids to be part of his life, he is happy with that. Even in the divorce papers it stated he didn't want to see them.

You would think that would be the end of Mike. But he still pops his ugly angry face up sometimes. A few months ago he beat up his own mother. Unbelievable.

So I was single, fragile and hating men.

On one night out with my mate, I met Steve. he was funny and kind and i liked him alot. So we went out and i kinda got pregnant really quickly!

So me and Steve decided we didn't like each other and would try and winde each other up at any opportunity.

I had my 3rd child Billy. Even though me and Steve still didn't like each other, he was a brilliant dad, and even through us not liking each other, i alwaysed maintained that he was a brilliant dad.

As time went on and i went through some right wanker boyfriends, something shifted between me and Steve. And actually we really liked each other.

So we thought we would give it another go. and we haven't looked back.

Steve is my everything. he to is my hero. he puts up with me, he has taken max and Jess on as his own, he is patient and loving and very very funny. I adore him. and he loves me with all my baggage. he is my constant and one day when we have enough money, we will get married and i know that it will be for keeps. I love my life and i deserve the life i have, which is a happy content one. I love my children and i love my man. Go me!

I haven't told this story for sympathy. I am a survivor not a victim. If you are going through any mental and or physical abuse, you have the power to get out and make a better life for yourself.

If i tell people this story, i know longer own it, its gone. I'm going through my own healing process and I'm giving this crap back to the universe, because i don't need it in me anymore.

I know why my self esteem was so low. I know why i got so fat.

9 times out of 10 a fat person is fat because they are trying to fill a unfillable unresolved void. filling it with food takes the pain away, just for a little bit.

I wanted to binge today, i was really really close. but i didn't. I told this story and I'm still not going to binge, because i am no longer a victim. and neither should you be. I wont ever be bullied again by anyone. mike and his unit dont scare me anymore, they never will again, because i'm better than that.

As a quick note, don't go all weird on me because i spilled my guts. I will still fart on your leg and find myself highly amusing xx

Me and my man :)