Urgh, hangover

Today I am hungover. Not just a little bit hungover, but as I type this, i have a twitch in my eyelid that is very irritating and ive managed to eat a bacon sarnie, a family sized bag of crisps, 3 large Munchie cookies and ive just opened and eating (excuse the crumbs) a packet of chocolate and caramel digestives. I intend to eat them all. Today is going to be a binge/hangover day.

I am so deep into my hungover paranoid brain state, that nothing that anyone will say would stop me from eating huge quantities today. I am committed to the binge.

Last night, me and my lovely fella went down our local to watch a rock band called 'Drop The Fish'. My dad is the cool guitarists, that everyone adores. (when i say dad, i don't mean mental boy i mean my stepdad).

I drank LOADS and so did Steve and so did everyone else down the pub, a good time was had, we danced, we laughed, we smoked to much.

But this morning, i feel such despair and grief about something that I cant put my finger on.

This is what alcohol does to me. Its a depressant, which isn't good for someone like me! I know this will effect me until Wednesday. Today is the worst day and i will get progressively better as the days go on.

I am also perfectly aware, that it is self inflicted. I love being drunk, i have the best time, but the hangovers are just a big pile of dog turd. But it doesn't stop me. it wont ever stop me! Its not often we go out, so i'm not gonna beat myself up to much about it.... well, not much anyway,.... well, we will just have to see.

I vowed i wouldn't binge this week and i feel like ive failed as ive actually had a few mini binges and today is gonna be the big one.

A mixture of spilling my guts about my past caused me to have bad dreams, dark thoughts, constant poking at myself about what a failure i am. I knew it would happen and i prepared myself for it. You cant tell people stories about your past without it having some kind of effect on your state of mind. But i know i wont have to tell my story to anyone ever again so I wont have to fell those feeling again, which i'm kinda excited about even in my fragile state today. It wasn't the best choice to get drunk this week. But i am human, which means i'm a bit stupid.

I know its a cliche, but tomorrow is Monday. i love Mondays, its like a clean slate. I have a plan of action from tomorrow and i'm looking forward to it.

I've discovered not writing down what i'm gonna eat really effects my day. i feel like i'm on free fall. So as tedious as it is to write everything down, its a necessary tool i have to use daily.

I have also bought myself a pedometer. I have constant guilt about not getting round to exercise especially if i had planned to do some, so, my aim everyday is to walk 10,000 steps which is the equivalent to 5 miles. If i am able to do a workout as well then that's a bonus!

I've had a terrible week of crap sleeps, a mixture of a rotten tooth ache, my son coming down with chicken pox and bad dreams makes me crave all the bad stuff and it is a genuine battle in my head.

I'm going to make an effort to relax and chill out as i am always on the go. if i have a crap nights sleep, i don't rest at all during the day to try and make up for some of the lack of sleep. i go into stupid sorting over drive. 'oh i must sort out the cupboard full of complicated bits of screws, hairbands, filter tips and foreign coins today, that should ease my busy brain!'.

So i am going to rest damn it, nurture and comfort my brain with extra sleep, even if its at 1pm in the afternoon and the sink is full of dishes. I'm gonna sleep. Not today tho as my boy has chicken pox and is really ill :(

Tomorrow involves a trip to the dentist. I'm not over joyed about this, but its gotta be done. I will plan my meals and keep my feelings in check as i certainly don't want to slip back into old daily habits and become a massive lard arse again.

Apologies for the down and out blog today, but its kinda made me feel better.

Im off to eat and maybe have a good sob.

Laters x