its all about me me me

So then, this is a blog is it.... this is me blogging.....

People's first opinion of me, is, bubbly (hate that word, to me it means fat and jolly) funny, confident, nice and friendly. What a lovely person i have created for people to meet!

Don't get me wrong, i am all those things, but me at home, is a much tamer, quieter person, who is very insecure, is constantly battling with a million songs, dark thoughts, films, words, phrases swirling around my head all at the same time, whilst i have 3 children demanding attention from me, keeping a house, all day to day stuff. My head is noisy, like really noisy.

You know the film 'What Women Want', when Mel Gibson has discovered the gift of hearing women's thoughts, and walks through a crowd of women and its like a million thoughts that he can hear, that's me, that's is what my head sounds like.

I do have a point here, my point is, the main thoughts that plague my brain are the self bullying ones... 'you are fat' 'why do you bother even trying to look nice' 'look how gross you are you fat lump' etc etc

There are many many reasons why i struggle with my weight. Starting from a very young age, that will all come out in time, as this isn't a blimmin counselling session and i certainly don't want people to think i am looking for any sort of sympathy or anything, it is what it is.

But from a bad start in life, i managed to develop an eating disorder called B.E.D.

This is stands for Binge Eating Disorder.

In a round about way, i have the thought process of someone suffering with bulimia, but i dont throw up the good stuff. I keep it inside, as it makes me feel safe.

Unfortunately, the side effects to this binge eating are. You become FAT.

My binge eating comes and goes. If i'm stressed, i don't reach for a glass of wine or a cigarette, the following is a typical binge, i reach for a 12 pack of crisps, a family sized cake, a packet of biscuits (mainly hob nobs) along with a massive dinner of chips, chicken, kids left overs, a large bar of chocolate, lots of tea to help it go down, a loaf of bread with butter, cereal, sweets and if i can fit it in, maybe a few more biscuits, probably something like 4 rocky bars. I don't think about it, i don't taste it, i ram it in, mainly in secret, sometimes chocking on un chewed bits food.

And then i feel awful, really really terrible, like i just murdered someone. 'oh you useless fat cow' 'what the hell was that all about'.

Over the past year or so, i have come to terms that i have this eating disorder, after a binge or even during one, i can now allow a tiny window to open that gives me a clue as to what has triggered this binge. It doesn't stop me eating, but its a start that i now recognise why i have started the stuffing.

Its not even major stuff that can cause it, it could be that someone made a clumsy comment, or that i have seen something upsetting on the news.

For the past couple of weeks (nearly 3 now) i have had 2 binges. this is amazing for me as it was pretty much every day or every other day.

I made a decision about 2 months back that i wanted to tackle this thing. So i spent a good few weeks researching a way of eating that i could easily fit into my life, allow a few binges, as its gonna happen, its something within me, so there's no point denying it. And the i set myself a date for it to start, i had to be ready in my head, if you aren't ready to make changes to your eating habits, you will constantly fall off any diet wagon. You have to be ready.

I usually roll my eyes if anyone says anything about calorie control. 'groan' yeah yeah BORING

But, it makes sense. I worked out how many calories my body uses if i was sat on the sofa doing nothing all day, so the energy my body uses to keep it ticking over, heart, lungs, blinking, this is called BRM. Mine worked out around 1700 calories were needed

http://www.bmi-calculator.net/bmr-calculator/

So if i ate 1700 worth of calories a day, my body would burn the excess fat on my body.

But, it decided on 1500 calories a day, its a safe amount and i would get results and be healthier.

I also made a pact with myself to get off my ass and move, do some exercise. Not just to help shift my lumps, but for my brain. It makes me feel good, hyper almost, and it has given me my mojo back which was lost under a layer or 2 of lard.

So here i am 3 weeks later, 1 stone lighter and only 2 binges.

High five to me.