Dawn Social Tourettes Shergold

I deleted this Blogger account and also my Facebook page and also my Twitter account the other day.

I read some people status's and links to their blogs and i think 'Oh god just shut up'. Then i had that paranoid heat wave sweep over me... 'what if people think that about me??'

Its that classic self doubt, am i good enough scenario, but also a valid point. What if I am wittering on, and people just roll their eyes and want me to shut up? But then I kinda thought as well, if people don't like what i write, then, basically, sod off!

I mean that in a loving way of course.. 'Sod off with love'

I have this, erm, endearing, lets call it, quality about me. Its something I cant control. Its something that my friends have a certain code for me, when we are out, to stop. My other half has a signal for me as well, for me to stop.

Its called

Social Tourettes.

Over all, I'm naturally chatty, open person. I tend to draw people into my space without trying. At bus stops i attract the smelly weirdo's with dogs that sniff and head butt my crotch (the dogs that is, the weirdos don't sniff and head butt my crotch. that's something else entirely). Old lady's talk to me in poundland, drunken alcoholics want to tell me their problems.
That's lovely! I must just have a nice friendliness about me.

But, when I'm nervous in a social situation, be it a wedding, my sons parent meeting at his new school, out in a pub with my mates or fella, something happens to my mouth. Its uncontrollable.

The last 2 that has happened recently are probably my worst. I think. I'm sure my bestie could and will highlight other situations. but the following 2 are ones where i put my face in my heads and shake my head with shame.

Situation 1.

Village barn dance

before the drinking and dancing

I love the village I live in, its very carefree, idyllic, very beautiful and friendly. We had a barn dance, that most of village turned out to, it was great fun, we drank we ate we danced. It was a gorgeous evening, groups of people were dotted around the field outside soaking up the last bit of sun, chatting, catching up. Rolling hills around us, a bomb fire to keep us warm. Lovely.

ahhh lovely

Weirdly, even tho i have lived in this village most of my life, i still don't know everybody. I see these people, we say good morning, but I've never actually had a conversation with them. As in any village or town, there is a unspoken divide. The riff raff in the council houses (me) and the posh people who live in mansions (absolutely not me)

So in my tipsy, giggly over danced state, i thought id make some new friends! Bugger the divide!

Enter Dawn Social Tourettes Shergold

I seek out my victim, and start chatting, all is going well, pleasantry's are exchanged, how long have you lived here? oh what a beautiful house you live in, whats that? you have 12 bedrooms and 90 bathrooms? oh how lovely! Yes i live in a council house.

Then silence. Then it happens.

I cant recall how it came about, but it involved the posh bloke doing some crouching action, something to do with loosening up his knees, this amused me. So what else is there to say?

'Urgh! it looks like you are tea bagging someone! #snort# #me laughing alot# do do do you tea bag your wife often? you must do with being able to do that crouching!'

Silence

I think my other half may have walked away at this point. And i think i may have excused myself to get another drink.

I haven't spoken to that posh bloke since.

Situation 2.

This is where my social tourettes is at its peak. The kids school. Its like something takes over my mouth, i have no control!!

At any school, the school run in the morning is busy, hectic, stressful. We all cram in the school, putting stuff on pegs, saying hello to other parents, and teachers, whilst doing that horrid licking your fingers and wiping marmite off you child's face to make them look like they have had a wash. Why do we do that? its disgusting??! Putting spit on your child's face to get them clean? I'm never doing that again!

I usually have my youngest asking me a million questions at the same time and i answer through gritted teeth and fake smile so, I'm not judged or worry someone will call social services, because what i actually want to scream is 'WILL YOU SHUT THE F##K UP!!!!!!!!' but obviously I cant. But i am saying it in my head. ALOT.

To get out of the school, it has like a bottle neck so it gets congested and you have to be polite and wait for people to come into the school before you try and get out. Stamping on other parents and children is frowned upon unfortunately.

Its in this very busy bottle neck queueing system, that 1 of the lovely mums says to me in a concerned voice

'Hey love, how are you? are you okay?'

To which i reply

'Im fine darlin, how come? why are you asking me like I've got AIDS?'

What the actual fuck?

Seriously, what is wrong with me? Where the hell did that awfulness even come from???

Luckily she knows me well enough and laughed and later told me that was the best social tourettes phrase i have said yet.

I know where i get it from. I know its in my blood. My mother has it to.

Only the other day walking through a local town called Wilton, she had a moment of unstoppable social tourettes and the more she tried to get herself out of it, the more awful bollocks came out her mouth!

It went something like this..

2 ladies walking in front of us eating a pasty. 1 of the ladies starts to choke. So my mum says 'you are meant to chew!'
the lady replied over her shoulder with some comment about that she wasn't meant to be eating a pasty as she is putting on weight and that's why she is choking on it.
#polite laughter#
mum says
'but you have a lovely bum, i wouldn't mind a bum like that'
#nervous laughter from the ladies in front#
mum says
'just to let you know I'm not a lesbian'
#more nervous laughter#
'i was just admiring your arse'
#women walk quicker and side swipe into a shop#



But there is something about me that I enjoy doing on purpose, amongst people i am comfortable with, and that's making people cringe. I'm not sure why. I take any conversation to another level, saying the things only people think briefly and wouldn't dream of saying. My fave subjects are usually to do with toilet habits, boobs, vag's, willy's, anything that makes people wish i would stop. That i can control.

Social Tourettes, is something else!

I have to go to Sports Day later. I have been asked to sell raffle tickets. that's fine, i have no problems helping out. The only thing I'm nervous about is what will come out my mouth.

Wish me (and everyone else) luck!